Imagine the following scenario:
A good friend tells you about an important presentation he had to give – and that everything went wrong. He got nervous in the middle of the presentation, got stuck and got totally bogged down. All eyes of the stakeholders in the room on him didn’t make it any easier. In the end, he could only present half of what he actually wanted to deliver. Somehow he got through it – but now he is devastated.

What would be your first reaction?
How would you feel towards your friend?
What would you say?

Now imagine the same scenario – only this time it is you who has given the presentation.
What would be your first reaction?
What would you think about yourself?
How would you feel?
And most importantly – what would your inner dialogue sound like, i.e. what would you say to yourself?
How does the dialogue with your friend differ from the dialogue with yourself?
And why?

Be a good friend to yourself
It is amazing how hard and ungracious we are sometimes with ourselves. Yet how we treat ourselves is of considerable importance for our happiness and contentment. If we don’t appreciate ourselves, we will constantly look for appreciation outside of us – and thus present our fellow human beings with an unsolvable task.
And self-esteem is not egoism. It is the simple, honest compassion that we show to every person we care about.
How much do you care about yourself?

This compassion has the same effect on us when we are able to extend it to ourselves. Having self-compassion does not mean finding everything you do or don’t do great. Self-compassion means seeing yourself in a benevolent and forgiving light – and realising that it is simply human to make mistakes. Only non-judgmental (and non-justifying) acceptance of what happened puts us in a state that allows us to learn from what happened and confidently make plans for next time.

The inner dialogue – how you talk to yourself – contributes significantly to your mood and decides whether you generate a confident-appreciative attitude that enables development and belief in yourself, or whether you revolve around the problem and thus block your abilities and development possibilities.

“The limits of my language are the limits of my world”.
Ludwig Wittgenstein

Language is a powerful lever. There is a lot of scientific evidence that our language influences how we see and think about the world. It influences our attitude. You may have heard that in some languages there are multiple words for snow or in others there are no numbers or no words for right and left.
When language emerged, perception was put into words. In cultures where snow plays a central role, there are several words for it. Perception shaped language. Now that language exists, it shapes perception and our paradigms.
So how we put the world into words influences our perception, our thoughts, our emotions and our attitude.
(If you are interested in this topic, you can find a link to an interesting TED Talk at the end of this article about how language influences our thinking and our view of the world).
If you want to generate a more positive attitude, start by changing your language. It’s not about talking something up. It is about shifting the focus of your perception to what is beneficial and productive – and finding words for it.

Why don’t you try to pay attention to the inner dialogue you have today.
You might be surprised how much chatter is going on in your head. It is proven that we produce 60,000-70,000 thoughts per day – most of them unconscious!
So it’s high time to get to the bottom of our inner chatterbox and see what language it uses.
Are the words and phrases more uplifting or frustrating?
Think about what you would say to a good friend in the same situation.
And then start being that good friend to yourself.
And change the dictionary of your inner chatterbox.
It may feel awkward at first – but hey, practice makes perfect 🙂

Talk positive to yourself,
Birgit

Small litte hideaways, small escapes of joy and liveliness. That is what we particularly need in these times – where the “great pleasures” are still withheld from us.
These little escapes work best when they arise spontaneously, out of the moment and with all senses in the moment. Crazy little actions that fill you with delight, because they tear your body and mind out of the usual daily grind and make you feel more alive again.

If, for example, you suddenly feel like …

… taking off your shoes and socks for a few steps while walking and go barefoot.

… taking your hands off the handlebars while riding your bike and let the wind and the sun take full effect on your chest.

… cutting a small branch of the herbs on the roadside, to grind it between your hands and to enjoy the smell.

… picking up the stone on the sidewalk and drawing something on the asphalt with it like in childhood days (a heart maybe?)

… or like I did yesterday – to simply swing a round during the lunch break when passing the playground!

And then just doing it, before your “reasonable inner adult” can take a breath and say something 🙂
I enjoyed the swinging! What an experience! The sight of the blue spring sky and the flowering trees flying by on the way up, the flying feeling in my stomach on the way down and the sand in my shoes afterwards.
Indescribable. The grin on my face was very lasting and benefited not only me but my training participants that afternoon.

What crazy little action comes to your mind?
Just go outside the next few days with open senses and an open heart and follow one of the impulses you might get!

The joy you gain from this will make it easier for you to rock many other situations!

To the small rocking getaways!

Your Birgit

Maybe you don’t feel like laughing at the moment.
I say: now more than ever!

“If I had no sense of humour, I would have committed suicide long ago.”
Mahatma Ghandi

Humour and the laughter that comes with it relaxes on all levels – mentally, physically and emotionally.
Humour helps us to gain distance and to generate a more relaxed attitude – towards ourselves, a situation or others.
And it is precisely this serenity that we need in deadlocked situations in order to be able to recognise or generate solutions. In this way, humour promotes our mental agility – the ability to see situations from different perspectives – in a playful and enjoyable way.

Not taking ourselves so seriously also promotes empathy and gentleness – also towards other people. Plus it increases our tolerance towards mistakes and thus our courage, as we are less afraid of “making fools of ourselves”.

Laughter itself improves lung function, provides the brain with an oxygen shower, relaxes the muscles and massages the internal organs. The immune defence increases, stress hormones are reduced and happiness hormones are released. So if you laugh regularly, you are doing a lot for your health.

And the best thing about it: laughter is contagious! So if you go through life with a sense of humour, you are automatically doing something good.
Watch this:

Laughing Tram Man – Happiness with Rituals

What makes you laugh?
When was the last time you laughed at yourself?

Never be “too grown up” to laugh at yourself!

Spread the laugh!

Birgit

PS: The mask can’t stop us! Genuine laughter has sound and finds expression in our eyes!

When was the last time you enjoyed the harvest?
And I don’t mean the strawberries you picked yourself…

When was the last time you paused to not only rejoice in your successes but also to consciously enjoy the feeling? (Yes, you are allowed to be happy!)

How often do we rush straight on? Well-known “mental slave driver sentences” usually start with “but” and continue with …
“That’s not a success, it’s a given!”
“That can be done even better”
“I’d better not rejoice too soon” (the killer phrase! Satisfaction impossible!) or
“No time for sentimentality, there’s too much else waiting on the list”.

But especially after a longer phase of stress, for example when you have put a lot of energy into something – and it is finally finished – the phase of relaxation is super important.
And if you have successfully completed something after a challenging period, you can combine this relaxation phase wonderfully with the conscious perception and enjoyment of the feeling that arises when your success bears fruit. Yes, you deserve the break! – Five minutes, an hour, half a day, maybe even a whole day or more.
When we become aware of our successes and appreciate them, our sense of self-efficacy and control increases and we practice self-care – all important factors in our well-being.
So enjoying the harvest not only ensures that we recover – but we also reward ourselves for our efforts at the same time.

What are successes?
In the end, whatever you define as such. However, experience shows that we are quite strict with ourselves – so also appreciate the little things, such as the exercise session you got up to (enjoy the good conscience and relieved feeling afterwards), the healthy meal you prepared for yourself with love (take the time to eat and feel how it positive it is for your body) or the chores you set out to do and completed.
Of course, this also includes bigger projects you worked on for a longer time or things you did for other people.
I’m sure you also have a list of several items every day.

When and how to pause?
A daily review in the evening has proven to be very useful.
In any case, you should bite into the apple of your success when it falls into your hands – i.e. whenever you are happy that something has worked out or that your work “pays off” – regardless of whether this happens in material or immaterial currency 😉

What are you proud of today?

This is to your accomplishments!

Be kind to yourself and take care,

Birgit

Oh and PS – regarding the killer sentence above in the text: yes, it will pass – successful phases will always be followed by lean periods. But that is not an argument for not enjoying the high phases! On the contrary – what a pity it would be if we missed the chance to take the momentum from the wave of success with us in order to get through the lean periods better? That’s like not wanting to eat any more because you’ll get hungry again anyway.

Sleep is like breathing. Both functions are vital for us, both are there as a matter of course (although many a good, restful sleep has been lost in the stress). As the saying goes, “it deprived me of sleep”) – and both are often underestimated in their effect on our well-being and health.
Sleep in particular helps our mind to process what we have experienced, to “store” knowledge and to create new connections. And for our body it is essential for regeneration.

How well do you listen to your body’s signals? When you are tired and have the chance, do you take a nap? Or go to bed earlier? Or do you sometimes ignore tiredness because you want to do that one more thing? Do you know the phenomenon of craving sweets when you get tired? Do you reach for the chocolate or the bed?

It’s clear that sleep and stress are connected. If we have too much stress and don’t manage to switch off or get away from it, we often have trouble sleeping. (For example, I have the feeling that the first thing I wake up in the morning is my head. Eyes open and bam, I have the To Do list in my head. I like to say “my processor is already running before I have booted up my body”). Less sleep, on the other hand, has a negative effect on our stress tolerance – we lose our composure more quickly.

But what can I do to break this cycle? Let’s answer a few basic questions:

What are the consequences of too little sleep?

• Poorer brain capacity – expressed in less ability to concentrate and less creativity
• Faster ageing process
• Weight gain because of increased appetite (malaise and lack of energy caused by too little sleep is compensated for by increased appetite; this is promoted by the hormone ghrelin, which is responsible for our feeling of hunger)
• Deterioration of blood sugar levels and risk of high blood pressure
• Weakened immune system – more frequent illnesses
• States of exhaustion
• Increased risk of burnout
• How much sleep do we need?

Scientific studies generally speak of 7-8 hours. It has also been proven that less than six hours of sleep per night can lead to exhaustion in the long run. The best way to find out how much sleep you need is to take a few days off or go on holiday. Follow your body’s signals and go to bed when you get tired. Make sure you have created the conditions for a good night’s sleep (see below) and don’t set an alarm. Observe when you wake up on your own the next day and feel ready to get up. After a few days you will notice that it is always a similar number of hours – your personal sleep need.

What contributes to good sleep?

How well you sleep depends on many different factors, of course, and is determined throughout the day. Basically, a healthy lifestyle (exercise, healthy food, plenty to drink and breaks throughout the day) is very beneficial. You can also pay attention to the following:

1. Breaks: Allow yourself breaks throughout the day, for example between different blocks of tasks.
2. Exercise: This can range from a walk to yoga or stretching sessions to a hearty exercise session. Make sure, however, that there are a few hours between the end of your exercise session and bedtime.
3. Fresh air: Do you remember your childhood days? Outdoors all day and tired as hell in the evening? Fresh air makes you tired – so make sure you get some fresh air outdoors at least once a day for about 30 minutes.
4. Bedroom climate: Air out the room before you go to bed or sleep with the window open; make sure the room temperature is between 16 and 18 degrees Celsius and darken the room well.
5. Good mattress: How old is your mattress? Get advice and buy a mattress that suits your needs. A good investment!
6. Switch off: After the thriller or the last activity on the screen, there should be some time to “switch off”. Maybe you even establish a …
7. “Calm down ritual”: Make yourself a cup of tea and let the day pass in review on the couch; perhaps you would also like to take a warm bath or a hot shower and then snuggle up in a blanket? Or write down what you are grateful for and what your insights of the day were…. whatever is appropriate for you to end the day on.
8. Natural sleep aids: The scent of lavender in the bedroom or a calming tea often work wonders! Perhaps there is also something you know makes you sleepy? (For example, I regularly fall asleep reading books.
9. Well digested: Make sure you eat light meals in the evening (few carbohydrates, no salads or raw vegetables) and that there are about 3 hours between your last meal and bedtime.
10. Counting sheep: When you are lying awake in bed, count your breaths instead of sheep or try autogenic training or a body scan.
11. Flashes of inspiration: And if thoughts or ideas still keep you awake, it’s best to put a notepad next to your bed. Writing down what goes through your mind calms your mind and empties your “working memory”.
12. Airplane mode: It is best not to take your mobile phone into the bedroom at all. If it is unavoidable, switch it to flight mode. This makes it easier to resist the temptation to check and read messages. Also, make sure you have activated the blue light filter on your phone screen.

And finally, a few tips for napping during the day:

A so-called “power nap” should not last longer than 20-30 minutes – that is, it should end before you fall into a deep sleep. You can achieve this in different ways:

1. Espresso: Drink an espresso before lying down for a power nap. This usually takes effect within 20-30 minutes and should then wake you up.
2. Key ring: Sit down in an armchair to take a nap, let one of your hands hang over the backrest and take a bunch of keys in this hand. As soon as you go into deep sleep, your hand will open, the bunch of keys will fall to the floor and you will be awake.
3. Alarm clock: also works, of course.

Here’s to a good night’s sleep and energized days!

Sleep well,

Birgit

Sometimes it is not easy for us to talk about our own feelings. Perhaps because we are missing clarity about what is “bothering us”, perhaps because we are afraid of showing vulnerablility. But when we finally open up, we wish for a communication partner with whom we feel in good hands.
Are you such a partnter?
The following article was penned by my dear friend and business partner Fernando Cuevas, and beautifully describes the not-so-helpful patterns we sometimes fall into in conversations where someone opens up on how he or she is doing.
Do you recognise yourself?

Author: Fernando Cuevas

1.    Don’t assume they’re asking for advice – The most common mistake I have fallen victim to (in more ways than one) is going into ‘troubleshoot mode” and started a ping-pong match where one serves up a list of possible solutions, and the other one responds with objections of why they wouldn’t work. As a rule of thumb, my suggestion is that unless you hear a statement that clearly resembles something like “What would you do in my situation?” resist the temptation to give advice and focus on validating their emotions and listening to them. (See learning #3) Once you understand that, regardless of your relationship to the other person, your role is not to fix the problem or get rid of the emotions, but only to show your empathy and accompany them through the process, having conversations about emotions might not feel like such a daunting task after all.

2.    Don’t make it about you – We all experience the same events and the same losses in many different ways, so assuming that what helped us will help others or that what somebody is describing is comparable to our experience is quite risky. So, if you catch yourself saying things like “When this happened to me in 1988…”, “That is exactly how I felt when I thought I had lost my wedding ring” or “Yes, I also feel sad, let me tell you about a nightmare I had about it…” (Comical as they might sound, I have heard versions of these “autobiographical responses”, as Dr. Covey calls them, more times than you would think) Don’t lose focus, keep the conversation around them and their emotions.

3.    Validate their emotions – Give people space to feel and verbalize their emotions without interrupting them. Pay attention to your words and your non-verbal language to ensure you’re creating a safe space for them: Don’t tell people not to worry, or how good they have it and how grateful they should be for what they have or promise that everything will be fine- Listen to them and make your best effort not to judge them. Most times staying silent as you listen attentively or rephrasing what they have told are your best options. Save the pep talk for your next conversation.

What have you learned recently about listening to others talk about their emotions?

About Fernando Cuevas

Fernando is a Human Resources and Learning consultant with more than 20 years of business experience. Recently he served as the Sr Director of Learning and Development for Europe, Middle East and Africa for Marriott Hotels.

He is an Industrial/Organizational Psychologist and experienced coach, and has facilitated leadership and strategic workshops and presented in conferences in Latin America, Europe, Middle East & Asia.​

Fernando’s greatest passion is helping teams through team development interventions like team building and discovery experiences and facilitating learning that make a lasting impact.

LinkedIn | Better360

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