Author: BirgitBaldauf

In a harbour on a western coast of Europe, a poorly dressed man lies in his fishing boat and dozes. A smartly dressed tourist has just put a new colour film into his camera to take the idyllic picture: blue sky, green sea with peaceful, snow-white wave crests, black boat, red fishing cap.
Click.
Once more: click,
and since it’s three times the charm and it’s safe, a third time: click.

The brittle, almost hostile sound wakes the dozing fisherman, who sleepily sits up, sleepily fishes for his packet of cigarettes. But before he finds what he is looking for, the eager tourist has already held a pack in front of his nose, put the cigarette not exactly in his mouth but in his hand, and a fourth click, that of the lighter, completes the hasty courtesy.

That barely measurable, never verifiable too much of nimble politeness has created an irritable embarrassment, which the tourist – speaking the local language – tries to bridge by talking. “You’ll make a good catch today.”
Shaking of the fisherman’s head. “But I was told that the weather is favourable.”
Nodding of the fisherman’s head. “So you are not going to go out?”
Shaking of the fisherman’s head, rising nervousness of the tourist.
Surely he has the poorly dressed person’s welfare at heart, gnaws at him with sadness at the missed opportunity. “Oh? You don’t feel well?” Finally, the fisherman moves from sign language to the truly spoken word.
“I feel great,” he says. “I’ve never felt better.” He stands up, stretching as if to demonstrate how athletically built he is. “I feel fantastic.”
The tourist’s expression becomes more and more unhappy, he can no longer suppress the question that threatens to burst his heart, so to speak: “But why don’t you go out then?” The answer comes promptly and to the point. “Because I already went out this morning.” “Was the catch good?” “It was so good that I don’t need to go out again, I had four lobsters in my baskets, caught nearly two dozen mackerel.”

The fisherman, finally awake, now thaws and pats the tourist on the shoulder. The latter’s worried expression seems to be of misplaced but touching concern.
“I even have enough for tomorrow and the day after!” he says to ease the stranger’s soul. “Will you smoke one of mine?” “Yes, thank you.” Cigarettes are put into mouths, a fifth click, the stranger sits down on the edge of the boat shaking his head, puts the camera out of his hand, for he needs both hands now to give emphasis to his speech. “I don’t want to interfere with your personal affairs,” he says, “but imagine if you went out for a second, a third, maybe even a fourth time today, and you caught three, four, five, maybe even ten dozen mackerel. Imagine that!” The fisherman nods. “You would,” the tourist continues, “not only go out today, but tomorrow, the day after, yes, every favourable day two, three, maybe four times – do you know what would happen?”
The fisherman shakes his head. “You would be able to buy a motor in a year at the latest, a second boat in two years, in three or four years you might have a small cutter, with two boats or the cutter you would of course catch much more – one day you would have two cutters, you would …. “, the enthusiasm catches his voice for a few moments, “you would build a small cold store, maybe a smokehouse, later a marinade factory, fly around in your own helicopter, spot the schools of fish and give your cutters instructions by radio, you could acquire the salmon rights, open a fish restaurant, export the lobster directly to Paris without middlemen – and then…” – again, the stranger’s enthusiasm leaves him speechless. Shaking his head, saddened in the depths of his heart, almost losing his holiday joy, he looks at the tide rolling in peacefully, in which the uncaught fish are jumping merrily. “And then,” he says, but again his excitement takes his breath away. The fisherman pats him on the back like as if he were a child who has choked. “What then?” he asks quietly. “Then,” says the stranger with quiet enthusiasm, “then you could sit here in the harbour with peace of mind, dozing in the sun – and looking out at the magnificent sea.”
“But I’m already doing that,” says the fisherman, “I’m sitting calmly by the harbour and dozing, only your clicking disturbed me.

The freshly instructed tourist left thoughtfully, for he had once believed that he was working so that one day he would no longer have to work, but no trace of pity for the poorly dressed fisherman remained in him, only a little envy.

Source: Böll, Heinrich, Werke: Band Romane und Erzählungen 4. 1961-1970. Cologne: Kiepenheuer & Witsch 1994, p. 267-269

Today, I would like to share a story from one of my favourite books that I received as a gift from a good friend of mine some months ago. The book is called “Who ordered this truckload of dung” and it is made up of 108 short stories told by the buddhist monk Ajahn Brahm. The stories reflect life’s difficulties and how to approach them. Some of them are about fear and pain.
And one of these goes like this:

Fear is finding fault with the future. If only we could keep in mind how uncertain our future is, then we would never try to predict what could go wrong. Fear ends right there.
Once I was little, I was terrified of going to the dentist. I had an appointment and did not want to go. I worried myself silly. When I arrived at the dentist’s, I was told my appointment had been cancelled. I learned what a waste of precious time fear is.
Fear is dissolved in the uncertainity of the future. But if we don’t use our wisdom, fear can dissolve us. It nearly dissolved the young novice Buddhist monk, Little Grasshopper, in an old television series called Kung Fu. I used to watch this series obesssively in my last year as a schoolteacher before I became a monk.
In one episode, Little Grasshopper’s blind master took the novice into a back room of the temple, normally kept locked. In the room was an indoor pool some six meters wide, with a narrow wooden plank as a bridge from one side to the other. The master warned Little Grasshopper to keep clear of the pool’s edge, because it did not contain water, but very strong acid.
“In seven days’ time,” Grasshopper was told, “you will be tested. You will have to walk accross that pool of acid by balancing on the wooden plank, But be careful! Do you see at the bottom of that pool of acid those bones here and there?”
“They used to belong to young novices like you.”
The master took Grasshopper out of that terrible room into the sunlight of the temple courtyard. There, the elder monks had set up a plank of exactly the same size as the one over the acid pool, but raised on two bricks. For the next seven days, Grasshopper had no other duties apart from practicing walking on that plank.

It was easy. In a few days he could walk with perfect balance, blindfolded even, across that plank in the courtyard. Then came the test.
Grasshopper was led by his master into the room with the acid pool. The bones of the novices who had fallen shimmered at the bottom. Grasshopper got onto the end of the plank and looked round at his master. “Walk,” he was told.
A plank over acid is much narrower than a plank of the same size in the temple courtyard.
Grasshopper began to walk, but his step was unsteady; he began to sway. He wasn’t even halfway across. He wobbled even more. It looked like he was going to fall into the acid! The the series stopped for a commercial break.
I had to endure those stupid advertisements, all the while worrying how poor Little Grasshopper would save his bones.
The ads ended, and we were back in the acid-pool-room, with Grasshopper beginning to lose his confidence. I saw him step unsteadily…then sway…then he fell in…oh no!

The old blind master laughed, hearing Little Grasshopper splash about in the pool. It was’nt acid; it was only water. The old bones had been tossed in as “special effects”. They had fooled Little Grasshopper, as they had fooled me.
“What made you fall in?” asked the master seriously. “Fear made you fall in, Little Grasshopper, only fear.”

I came across this Chinese proverb the other day – and I love it!

Isn’t it true that knowledge and insight are only really helpful when we succeed in putting them into practice? Talking doesn’t really have much practical use.
Sure, it’s good to lose a few thoughts – or even exchange them before you get into action – as long as you move to action at some point.
In many discussions I end up asking myself: so what? What DO we DO with it now? Was it just about complaining and petting one’s own ego (because of course we always know how WE could do it better!) or do we in the end also decide on what can be done?

It’s a bit like football or listening to someone on stage: sitting in the audience and criticising what is being delivered is easy. But would I stand on the pitch or on that stage – and prove that I can do better?
I still remember a situation during my final examination for hotel business: I sat with two other trainees at the same time in front of an examining board of 5 people. We were asked questions about different topics one after the other. I had the answer to almost all the questions my two fellow trainees were asked – but it wasn’t my turn. And when it was finally my turn — uh, yeah, no, so THIS question, uhm, wait ….

Yes, talking and exchanging knowledge and opinions are important aspects of coming to an conclusion and being able to decide. But:

Talking may change perspectives. Action changes the world.

And I think we need more courageous doer personalities. There is enough speakers. Perhaps it would also help if we gave more appreciation to the doers, for example, that they take the lead, expose themselves to the fire and the uncertainty and the pressure. Maybe this appreciation would encourage others to take action.
Because the best thing about doing is: actions are much more convincing than words.
The world needs role models – whether it’s the leader at work, the helping hand of a neighbour or friends who are there for us.

Show, don’t tell – they also say in film and literature. Don’t tell how the protagonist is doing – convey it to the audience through his actions.

Where could you DO more instead of talking?

I myself was asked by someone only yesterday in relation to a topic: “And, do you live it?”
I love those people in my life, I love questions like that!

On that note, I’ll stop babbling now and see how I answer my question to you for myself!

Have a mega brave doer-week!

Birgit

Equanimity. An exciting word. The last time I heard it was in my yoga teacher training. I always wince slightly at the subject of “accepting and embracing things”. If we always accept and embrace everything, how can anything ever change?
How can I accept things and still stay connected, stay engaged?

“Equanimity – not indifference,” my yoga teacher said.
I like that word.
I am always “equally animous” – no matter what situation I am facing. Animous is active, it means maintaining connection.
Equanimity means inner stability, no matter what blows up in my face on the outside. (And at the moment, a lot of things are blowing up in our faces again).
A stability and calmness that allows me to let something touch me – without it knocking me off my feet.
Equanimity is the calm centre.

Indifference and Indignation – this is what to my opinion can be found at the other two ends of the spectrum . Neither is helpful.
When I don’t care about anything, I have cut my connection to life and people. I have completely relinquished any control. Then nothing can fulfil me any more.
If I get upset about everything, I will find it difficult to think and act in a solution-oriented way because of my mental-emotional “state of emergency”. I may want to change something, but I cannot do effectively.

Equanimity, on the other hand, means adopting a peaceful attitude, first and foremost being at peace with myself. Only then can I consciously and self-determinedly direct my attention and energy to the things that are important to me, that I can change and that I want to change – so that I and the people around me feel better. This does not mean ignoring things – but not wasting valuable life time and energy on things that drag me down or that I cannot change.

To train equanimity (and this training never stops ;-)), you need three things:

1. Take good care of yourself – without feeling bad about it! Being at peace with yourself means taking good care of yourself. This starts with being aware of our needs, expressing them and being able to stand by them. But it also means that we care enough about ourselves to take good care of our bodies – for example, to make sure we get enough sleep and exercise and healthy food. But “soul care” is also part of it. How do you talk to yourself? Who are the people you surround yourself with? And do you take time for yourself and the things that make you happy?
2. Actively direct your attention – to the “right things”: Consciously choose what you want to spend your time for and what or who gets your attention. It is normal that we are distracted again and again, someone or something wants our attention or we might get angry. But it is important that we develop a feeling for when this happens – and can then consciously counteract it. Questions that help here are such as: “How do I feel about continuing to give this topic/person my attention now?” / “Is the attention well invested? Can I make a difference in this matter?” / “Do I want this?” / “Is this important to me?” — If it doesn’t feel good or it is something out of your control, it’s time to pull attention away. By the way, directing attention can be trained quite well with mindfulness exercises and meditation.
3. Accept – sometimes also endure: We cannot get out of some situations – at least in the outer world. And there are many things we simply cannot change. Then it’s a matter of accepting and putting up with as little drama and excitement as possible. And if we have implemented point 1 well, we have enough reserves for this (but don’t forget to fill them up again afterwards :-))

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.”
Reinhold Niebuhr

I wish you from the bottom of my heart that you may succeed in strengthening your equanimity, cultivating serenity and finding the courage to stay connected.

Be kind to yourself!

Birgit

A friend of mine has written the “Project World Peace” on her banner. It may sound a bit too big and not tangible enough at first – but she has broken it down to the most important thing that everything starts with: namely with ourselves. She has also succeeded in making it very tangible: through 30-minute encounters. Her goal is to hold 365 of them – because, in her words, “the simplest form of world peace is encounter.”

And with that she hits the mark, in my opinion. If we practice every day our ability to really engage with others, to allow and let go (also with those who make us uncomfortable!) it would already be a big step.
This also includes being able to hold respect and maintain a peaceful attitude when we have completely different opinions or different values.
When I look at how many relationships and friendships have broken or suffered in the last few months because of the COVID crisis, because opinions suddenly diverged and a peaceful dialogue seemed unattainable, I believe that we still have a lot to learn.
A long journey begins with small steps.

If I can’t have a peaceful discussion with my best friends about our points of view, accept the other person’s one without judging them or trying to “convert” them, how should this happen succeessfully on a global level?

“Few are capable of calmly expressing opinions that differ from the prejudices of those around them; most are even incapable of arriving at such opinions at all.”
Albert Einstein

A good common solution is often only possible if all those involved are allowed to express their needs, motivations and views openly and without fear of rejection. When there is genuine, open, non-judgemental interest.
But how can I get the courage to open up – also to the other person’s opinion – if I feel attacked?

Sure, a binary-judgmental view is easier.
And we also like to have it simple:
Black or white
Good or evil
Guilty or innocent
Right or wrong
Solution A or B
Man or woman .

At the end, our brain needs an explanation as basis for a decision and to take action. And when this explanation is not easy to find, when we are confronted with the inexplicable or the unknown, we become fearful, sometimes even defensive. We quickly build ourselves an explanation that makes us feel comfortable – one that fits into our world view.
But the world is and people are (fortunately!) too complex to be explained in a binary way.

To really engage (with oneself, with the other, with circumstances, with the unpleasant) while maintaining a peaceful attitude is a Herculean task that probably requires a lifetime of practice – and some skills, such as
– being able to let go of being right
– entering encounters with an “I have no idea what it means” attitude
– putting a greater goal (friendship, peace, respect) above one’s own interests
– being aware of unpleasant feelings and evaluations and judgements arising in me, to bear them and to be able to park them
– exploring instead of explaining – to ask more questions instead of telling
– allowing myself and others to change my opinion and point of view and to admit mistakes.

Christina’s project inspired me very much and reminded me of one of my guiding principles:
Peace on the outside begins with peace within me.

I would like to invite you to join me in contributing a little to peace in and around us every day. A positive and hopeful mood initiated by respectful encounters is contagious.

I am far from believing that peace is a goal that we will eventually achieve for all time. Similar to contentment, peace inside and outside is rather a continuous journey of development that requires the will and desire to make it successful.

If you would like to learn more about Christina’s project or even enter into the 30-minute dialogue, follow this link:
365 Encounters – 30 minutes for world peace (missionpeace.global).

I wish you a peaceful week and I am on my way to practise peace now – I can think of some spontaneous training opportunities in my life 😉

Peaceful greetings,
Birgit

In the feedback that I received from my readers about my blog, there was also the wish to learn something about “resilience and routines”.

These two keywords, brought up a few questions:
What is actually the difference between routines, rituals and habits?
Can routines increase resilience?
Don’t routines tend to limit our flexibility and spontaneity, and if so, aren’t they rather counterproductive?

So let’s start.

Habit, routine, or ritual?

The difference between routines, rituals and habits is easily explained:
What distinguishes all three are two factors: the amount of effort and energy it takes to perform and how consciously I perform the action.
While habits are often performed as a matter of course, mechanically and (without much) thought, routines and rituals require more attention and energy on my part.
When we want to implement new, healthy habits into our lives, we usually need energy and focus in the beginning to make sure we follow through with the action. The longer we keep at it, the easier and more natural it becomes for us. So establishing new habits usually starts with a ritual, which then becomes a routine and eventually a habit.
An example: some time ago I decided to do a small yoga session in the morning right after I get up. I’ve found that it helps me align and “ramp up” physically, mentally and emotionally so that I’m more firmly in the saddle when everyday life hits.
In the first few days, I simply forgot about it. It wasn’t in my morning habits.
So I setup a “morning ritual” – a conscious sequence of things I do in the morning before I start my day. I then simply scheduled yoga in there.
Then after a few weeks it became routine, I didn’t have to remember it. And eventually it became a habit – I miss it when I don’t do it.

Resilience booster routine?

Is it resilience-boosting to develop routines?
Yes – and for two reasons:
First, they are great at helping us establish actions, behaviors, and a mindset that can boost our resilience – like regular exercise, healthy eating, or an optimistic attitude (or yoga in the morning ;-)).
And second, by establishing good habits and routines, we have more energy – because we no longer have to think about what we need to do, when we want to do it – and then spend energy getting around to it. Rather, routines free up resources that we can use to respond spontaneously (and strengthened!) to the craziness of life.
Another resilience-enhancing factor is the fact that routines increase our self-determination. Without healthy routines, we become a pawn in circumstances. Routines help us to consciously create and act – and not just react to external circumstances (and realize at the end of the day that we didn’t get to what WE wanted again).
For routines we need self-regulation – the successful implementation of new, healthy habits in turn increases our self-confidence. We feel “in control” and are automatically less susceptible to temptations and distractions.

The fine print

In order to benefit from all of this, however, we need a few basic qualities:

Clarity: what do I want to change and what is it all for? This point is especially important when we encounter the first obstacles (externally or inside ourselves). Especially in the initial phase, it is helpful to repeatedly bring back the awareness of why we want to establish this habit. This also increases our determination and our …
Perseverance: it takes a while before we have to expend less energy. It’s a bit like in sports: at the beginning everything feels unusual and evokes muscle soreness. But the longer we stick with it, the easier it gets. Which brings me to point 3:
Continuity: Continuity is closely linked to stamina. It means that we carry out the routine as planned – regardless of whether it is easy for us, whether we feel like it or not. Small steps are better than no steps. It takes an average of 2 months to establish a new habit – without interruption!
Flexibility: Sometimes our routine may not work out exactly as planned. Then reschedule! But don’t drop it! Establish your routine in such a way that it can be adapted. (e.g.” 3x sports a week” – instead of “Monday running, Wednesday yoga and Friday weight training.”)

The chicken or the egg?

The crazy thing is: yes, we need all of these qualities to establish routines – but establishing routines in turn enhances those very qualities, which in the end also make us more resilient.

What resilience-enhancing routine could you establish?

Take care and keep at it!

Birgit

You can have it all and achieve anything!
Well, maybe not all at once …

In fact, we live in a spoiled society whose mechanisms can easily make us believe that it is totally easy to have and achieve all I want:
With one click, ordered today, delivered tomorrow.
On Instagram, I see before/after pictures of people who have documented their “body transformation,” while for others there are no before-pictures at all – just the perfect self-presentation.
We look at famous people in politics, business, sports and see it everywhere: success is possible.

Motivated, we set ourselves goals, get going and do our best until the first resistance arises, success doesn’t come so quickly or we realize that in fact not everything is possible.

What is often neglected in all the euphoric success stories is the stony path to get there – and the proven skills that are needed to walk this stony path: Perseverance, Impulse Control, and Need Deferral.
That is, to keep going even when things aren’t going so well and to forgo things (the urge to fullfill needs) now because I know that saying no now will enable me to achieve the reward that success will bring along.

If I want my sports activities to bear fruit, I should refrain from “treating” myself to a big meal as a reward.
If I want to be the first on the ski slope in the morning, I have to give up sleeping in.
If I want to successfully run a marathon in a healthy condition, I have to give up various foods – and probably also some meetings and parties with friends, because the training schedule does not allow it.
If I want a certain job, I will certainly have to take jobs along the way that I don’t think are so great – but that bring me closer to my dream job because of the contacts or skills they hold.
If I want more freedom, I will have to sacrifice security.
If I want to gain an additional qualification, I will have to give up free time for a while in favor of learning.

Sometimes, by the way, it is also necessary to give up cherished convictions (“I am not a morning person”) or habits (alcohol at the end of the day) or feelings (e.g. inadequacy).

If you are not willing to give up something on the way to your goal, then that something is more important to you than your goal.

And if you REALLY want something, you can tell by the fact that you can easily endure the deprivations (and reactions of others to them) – because you know what for.

Of course, you can also refrain from refraining – but then be strong and please also refrain from complaining about the fact that success does not show up 😉
In psychology, this is called the ability of doing a “reality check” and “self-actualization” – the competence to accept the consequences of one’s own actions – and to adjust one’s actions if necessary.

Success needs congruence of thoughts, attitude and action – and the ability to renounce.

So the next time you set a committed goal, don’t forget to do a reality check:
What hardships will you have to put up with along the way, and – are you ready for them?

If you can answer the latter with a clear YES, then go for it!

Good luck & Take Care!

Birgit