Two experiences last week inspired me to bring up this article again, which was one of my first here on the blog.
During a seminar on “Media Competence and Behaviour on the Internet”, a lively discussion arose between my participants about whether life without a mobile phone is even possible nowadays and to what extent we have already developed an addiction. And during an event I attended, the comedian mentioned a feeling that still existed in the 90s – but seems to be completely unknown (but at least unpopular) today: boredom.
In fact, we always seem to be “on”. Optimising every minute, every second.
Busyness is popular.
Filling every moment – with impressions, activities, movement. Through input from outside or through our own agitation.
The TV is running in the waiting room at the doctor’s, selling the latest services. Small idle moments – e.g. waiting for the bus or in the queue at the bakery – are filled with looking at the mobile phone again. Reading a book on the train, listening to a podcast, working through emails or quickly making that important phone call in the crowded underground (experienced live yesterday) … At home, the radio or TV is blaring and in everyday working life, colleagues and bosses help to make sure that every moment is filled.
Because we let them.
We quickly numb our hunger with a sandwich we brought along on the way to the next meeting.
One after the other, we work through the duties, tasks and activities.
As if in a trance.
As if remote-controlled.

Our head always seems to be one step ahead or at the next item on the agenda. And although it’s physically present on our neck, it is so often in a PRESENT state.
And if an unfulfilled moment seems to emerge, it feels strange. It almost seems as if we numb ourselves with this activity trance because silence has become unfamiliar to us.
In the worst case, our system is then so overdriven that it is no longer able to shut down on its own. Then it’s not unusual that alcohol comes into play.
Direct transition from mental anaesthesia to physical.
Don’t get me wrong – a delicious wine in a cosy atmosphere – how nice! Only if you find yourself reaching for it regularly to make the atmosphere cosy should you give it some thought.
As if conditioned, our mind continuously asks itself – and now what?
Nothing.
Just nothing.

“…and then you have to have time to just sit there and look in front of you.”
Astrid Lindgren

When was the last time you just sat there?
Can you still remember the feeling of boredom?
Why not allow silence and see what wants to emerge.
No music in the background, no smartphone, tablet, e-reader or book in your hand.
Just be.
Take a break. Notice what is here and now. Feel it. Listen in. Let it work.
Input-free time.

To get back in touch with yourself and your needs.
If you want to hear your inner voice, you have to give it the chance for air time.
It may not always be pleasant what it has to say, but it should always be heard. (Otherwise it will complain in another way to your back muscles, your stomach, your head or other parts of your body that cause you problems if you ignore your needs ;-))

Besides, it is paradoxical: we are convinced that we get the best out of our brain if we use/fill every moment. Yet our mental capacity and performance decreases with the duration of the stress. Even more: our brain demonstrably needs idle time to be creative.

So….
Just rest.
Treat youself to some boredome.

Whatever you do – be kind to yourself!

Birgit

This week, too, my article starts with a story, because I think it is the perfect introduction for today’s topic. The story is not from my pen, but reproduced as I had once heard it myself.

Once upon a time there was a couple who lived in a large house with several floors. One evening, the husband was preparing dinner in the kitchen on the ground floor, while the wife was busy with other tasks in the study on the first floor. When the meal was ready, the man called his wife to the table as agreed. “Dinner is ready,” it sounded through the house. Then silence fell again. While waiting for the wife, the man began to arrange the plates. Then he tried again, “Hey, would you please come down for dinner before it gets cold?” Again, silence followed his words. That’s when the man noticed anger slowly creeping up inside him. Lately they had talked about the woman’s obviously deteriorating hearing. With no results. She had done nothing since then, no visit to the doctor, no check-up at the acoustician, nothing. He decided to call for his wife again – but this time from the stairwell. When he opened the door to the stairwell, he was startled to see his wife standing right in front of him. “You really should see an ear doctor,” the man barked – “didn’t you hear me?”
“Yes, I heard you,” the wife replied, “and I answered you three times, ….”

There is no better way to describe what psychology calls “projection”.

Projection means that I get upset about another person’s behaviour or characteristics that I withhold from myself, do not admit to myself or am not yet at peace with myself. You could also say that I get upset BECAUSE I withhold them from myself. This “being upset” can come in different forms. As a disparaging comment (“How can somebody be so selfish and go home on time …”), as a know-it-all statement (“At that age, it’s better not to wear such funky clothes anymore …”) or as an over-emphasised distancing (“That would never occur to me!”). Especially the latter shows very well what projection actually is: a defence mechanism. We project our own inner issues and conflicts by imputing to our counterpart our repressed emotions, affects, desires and impulses, which may be in contradiction to our or society’s norms. In this way, we automatically distract from ourselves – and from the unpleasant feeling that we should actually be dealing with the issue ourselves.

By the way, projection also works in a positive sense: In this case, I project onto my counterpart everything I wish from him/her. It is not uncommon for disappointments to arise when my “positive assumption” does not come true (and sometimes it then turns into a negative one).

In this respect, projection is a killer for true dialogue with my counterpart – because I stop really seeing the other person but use him or her as an arena for my own issues.
If I am aware of this, however, projection can at the same time be a helpful indication of an inner dialogue that I should still be having with myself.
For example, if I have really decided for myself that I don’t want to wear funky clothes any more at my age, I can do that – and I don’t care how others handle it. As long as I’m convinced of my decision, it’s all good, right?
(The only exception is if the other person’s behaviour or characteristics actually affect me personally in some way).

So – the next time you get upset or outraged about someone or something, see it as an exciting invitation to look behind your emotions and ask yourself: what does that reveal about ME?

Use the look in the projection mirror to “improve your look” and then put it aside so that you can make a real connection with the other person.

Be good to yourself,

Birgit

Every now and then I give relaxation courses in an environment that has a certain background noise during the sessions.
In the beginning I asked myself: is that possible? Can my participants relax if they are not completely surrounded by silence?
And quite soon I thought to myself:
If my goal is to help people maintain calm in the hustle and bustle, doesn’t it make sense to practise calm in the hustle and bustle?

Sure, you can retreat to the quietest place possible for relaxation – be it meditation, autogenic training or a fantasy journey. And it certainly helps to recharge the batteries.
But what happens if back in everyday life and my batteries are empty before the next rest period or a place to rest is in sight?
Shouldn’t I then be able to carry on in a “healthy” way?

In principle, relaxation methods can have two benefits:

1. Slowing down, switching off and recharging my batteries
2. Getting to know and practising techniques and method so that my batterey does not drain so quickly in everday life.

The first point is important, the second is sustainable.
In order to benefit from 2. it is important consciously expose yourself to situations in which you wish for more calm and serenity – in order to practise how you can handle this situation.

If you really learn to how to swim, you have to get wet.

And if we succeed in integrating the methods and techniques into our everyday life, we are much less likely to feel empty and stressed.

So, take the time to recharge your battery but don’t forget to practice what you have learned under the conditions for which you have learned it.

Good luck with your “swim training” !

Yours, Birgit

“Don’t take away my problem!”
“I don’t think she is able or even wants to be happy…”
“And what would you do if someone suddenly stood in front of you who was authentically loving and appreciative of you? Who admires you and expresses it?”

These are all sentences that I have come across the last weeks and have reminded me of the phenomenon of the “upper limit of happiness”.
Sometimes we get stuck at certain points in our lives, things don’t get better, because we sabotage ourselves. This usually happens subconsciously – we’re just facing the results and are wondering why we have ended up in the same place again.

How comes?
What we believe and consider possible is shaped by our socialisation and our experiences. It starts when we grow up and continues in the job and in society.

Here is one of my favourite metaphors relating to that phenomenon:

The circus bear
Once upon a time there was a circus bear. His home consisted of a small cage. He had already been born in such a cage and spent his free time taking ten steps forward in this cage and ten steps back again.
At some point, the director decided to give up the circus. He drove the bear into the forest, put the cage down and opened the door before leaving. The bear stuck its nose out of the open cage door. Now the world was open to him for a life as a free bear. He jumped out of the cage. He stomped one step forward, four, six, eight, nine… But after the tenth step, the bear went backwards again ten steps….
(Bert Hellinger)

From the bear back to us:
The upper limit of happiness is the self-made barrier that prevents the “eleventh step.” That can’t be, that mustn’t be, that doesn’t exist … (as children, by the way, we don’t have that yet).
On the topics of joy, money and relationships, several examples come to mind here:
Is it allowed/can one earn a lot of money with joy and few hours of work?
Is it allowed /can something be easy – or do you have to work for everything first? Affection, income… No pain no gain?
Am I allowed to be happy at all? What happens when I am able to authentically answer “I’m doing great!” to the question of how I’m doing. What do we talk about then, when there is nothing left to complain about? 😉 (here we go with “Don’t take away my problem.”).

Self-sabotage can come in different shapes. The good news is that once recognised, it can be resolved. It’s not always easy – but it’s worth it, especially if you want to explore the world outside your self-made cage.

Shape 1: “The safe dream”
We wish for something – but honestly don’t really believe that it exists. E.g. Earning more money with fewer working hours and having fun at work.
Sabotage: We keep on dreaming, watch the wish like a movie in order to get a better feeling in the short term, while being able to remain sitting on the couch (comfort zone).
Solution: Be honest with yourself, listen to yourself – what do you really think about the subject? Do you really believe it exists? And if you don’t believe it, are you ready to act and see if you can find examples or maybe even create new ones? (Attention, exhausting! ;-))

Shape 2: “Program not found”
What we wish for is in front of us – but we don’t recognise it (never seen or experienced it). Imagine you have never seen a car your whole life. You have always been on foot or on a bicycle. Sometimes you think about how you could get to your destination faster. You think about the distance, about a faster gear, about something you could change on the bike. And when you pass a parked car for the first time, you would never think that this could be the solution!
Sabotage: Lack of knowledge.
Solution: Find people who have already lived, experienced or seen what you want. Let them show you from different perspectives what it looks like, what it feels like, etc. This will give you a first picture of what you want. This will give you a first picture.

Shape 3: “Free Falling”
What we want is in front of us – and we get scared. In this case, we recognise it, but suddenly feel helpless, afraid, distrustful – because we have never learned to deal with it.
Sabotage: Thoughts like “Is she really nice to me or is there a catch?” or “This is too good to be true.” are the starting point. We even sometimes prefer to stay in problematic but familiar situations (even if it’s stupid, but what we know is predictable and gives us a feeling of control) – instead of boldly plunging into new territory and learning new steps (to stay with the bear image).
Solution: Stand the unpleasant or strange feelings that may come up when you are faced with a new situation. Notice them and be happy – they are a sure sign that you have reached the end of your comfort zone and can now make history and learn! And then dare to take the eleventh step.

Shape 4: “The flipside of the coin”
We wish for something but secretly carry negative beliefs about it. An well known example is having a lot of money in the bank account.
Sabotage: Beliefs like “Money destroys character.” “You can’t legally get a lot of money quickly.” …
Solution: Check your beliefs. And then question them. Is that really true? What evidence do you know to the contrary? In our example: What does a “good character” mean to you and what could you do with the money to live it?

Where is your upper limit of happiness and in what shap does it appear?

Bear in mind you’re not a circus bear! Take the eleventh step and explore the world!

Take care,

Birgit

There are similarities to dancing iand singing: if you ask people, they often say: “I can’t dance!”
But in fact, we are hardwired to move to the music. Studies have shown that rhythm is innate to us. For example, in a study, scientists at the University of Amsterdam played a rhythm to newborns and then missed a beat or two on purpose. An in this moment, the babies’ brain waves clearly showed that they were literally awaiting next beat.
Also, it’s proven, that our heartbeat synchronizes with the beat of the music.

When we speak of “ability”, it usually means that we are trying to do something in a certain way that is generally considered or defined as right or correct.

Dancing, however, is much more than “working off” given sequences of movements and steps. No matter if it’s Bachata or Zorba – first you learn it, then you feel it.
Once you allow the music to move your body, you commit yourself in and learn to let go – and at this point, you can’t go wrong.
Of course, we don’t usually dare to do this in public (except maybe teetering a foot…) – but what’s wrong with turning up your favorite music in the morning and just dancing around the apartment? Just the way you like it?
Nothing – and it’s always worth it!

Dancing is a true miracle cure for physical, mental and emotional well-being!
Here is some evidence to this:

Benefits for your body

• Dancing is a very effective full body workout (if you move your full body ;-)). Not only does it trains your muscles but also your condition – just one dance training per week is sufficient.
• Dancing promotes flexibility in the body and makes it more resistant to injuries.
• Aerobic dance training is just as effective in helping you lose weight as cycling or jogging
• Dancing improves breathing, heart performance and quality of life
• Dancing strengthens our body awareness and helps you to recognize tension and physical stress symptoms in everyday life more quickly.

Emotional benefits

• Dancing has a liberating effect – it is a wonderful way to let your feelings run free in your movements
• Dancing has been shown to relieve the symptoms of stress and depression by regulating serotonin and dopamine levels
• Dancing strengthens your self-confidence
• Dancing develops social skills and the feeling of togetherness, because dancing is a way of getting to know many people and getting in tune with each other
• Dancing delivers happiness!
  

Mental benefits

• Dancing challenges the brain through the coordination of movement sequences. Regardless of age, new neuronal connections are created – which keeps your brain young.
• Medical studies have even proven that dancing also has an alleviating effect in Parkinson’s disease and can prevent dementia and Alzheimer’s disease.
• Dancing promotes concentration and focus – and is a wonderful way to “switch off”.
• Dancing improves mental performance
  

Plus …

• Dancing has no age restrictions
• Dancing is so affordable – the only thing you need is music, you and the groove
  

So – get up, turn on the music, dance – and enjoy!

This is to the rhythm,

Yours, Birgit

One of the biggest secrets to success in achieving goals and changing habits is consistency, i.e. sticking with it. Easier said than done. The articles of the last few weeks have already highlighted some obstacles that can lead to us not tackling the desired change or losing fun halfway through.
Today I would like to add two more aspects to this list:
Quick first achievement and pending achievements.

1. The danger of fast achievements:
   If we start the change and after a short time the first achivements take place, it can be very motivating. But it can also lead us to think: “Oh, if it’s so easy, I can slow down. After all, I’ll get there again quickly.” Then we stop to take our project seriously enough, we get sloppy – it slips down the priority list and…in the long run we lose sight of it again. It was just a flash in the pan. In fact, in this case, we don’t even get to the real endurance test – that’s the stage where further success takes longer and is harder to achieve them. Sometimes we even get setbacks. In sport, this is called the plateau phase. At this point, it becomes clear whether we really want it – namely, if we keep at it despite standstills and setbacks. To do this, however, we have to continue after the first achievements. Furthermore, when we achieve success too quickly, it is worthwhile to check whether we have perhaps made things too easy for ourselves? Could we do more? Did we start with the requirements just above our competence? If not, take it up a notch 😉
2. The danger of pending achievements: This can also happen. We are very proud that we have started to integrate the new habit into our lives, but nothing happens. This quickly leads to a “there’s no point in doing it anyway”. Seriously? In most cases, nothing has happened yet because we haven’t kept at it long enough. How long did you hold on? Patience! A habit that we have cultivated for several decades can hardly be changed in a fortnight! I know this well. When I had just got my motorbike licence and was on tour with a group of people who all had over 20 years of riding experience, I wanted to ride just as fast and confidently straight away. And became impatient with myself. Impatience can lead us to overexterd ourselves, wanting too much at once and then stopping because it’s not good for us. So, stay patient but consistent and keep observing what is changing.

Whatever you want to change – I wish you patience, stamina and the right amount of challenge. Then the rest will fall into place!

Be kind to yourself!

Birgit

Maybe you know the joke:
A customer comes into a pub and orders a beer. As he takes the first sip, he looks at the wall behind the bar and he spots a sign that say: “Tomorrow beer for free.” A smile and joy about a free beer spreads and the guest decides to come back the next day. Arriving at the bar, he sees the sign and realises …

Isn’t the same dynamic happening to new habits we want to establish?
Tomorrow I’ll control my sugar intake. Tomorrow I will do sport. Tomorrow I’ll smoke less. Tomorrow I will call a friend again. Tomorrow I’ll go to bed on time …

And so it happens that nothing happens. Because we have fallen for the morning phenomenon.
But even worse than the fact that we don’t change anything is that we lose credibility in front of our inner elephant, our subconscious – which also means ourselves.
Imagine that a good friend promises you something – e.g. to go running with you once a week. And in week 1 he cancels – “but next week is scheduled!.” Week 2 goes by and you get another cancellation, with the addition that he is so sorry. Week 3, same thing happens. How likely do you think it is to happen?
That’s what you do to yourself when you keep putting off things that are important to you. At the end, your project sits only symbolically on your calendar or to-do list – and your elephant doesn’t even twitch any more, or get any sort of enthusiasm. It won’t happen anyway.

Yes, all beginnings are difficult – but

“The beginning is half of the whole.”
Aristotle

So that you don’t lose faith in yourself and your self-efficacy, it is important that you take action – not tomorrow, but now.
If you recognise yourself in the tomorrow phenomenon, try the following steps to get going:

1. Seriously – do you really want it? Basically, the question is why something that is supposedly so important to you always has to give way to other things. If you don’t have time for your new habit, it simply means that something else has won the race for your precious time. Something else seems to have been more important to you. Was it? Did you consciously decide against what you wanted to do and for what took its place? If this happens often, it is worth asking yourself again how important your plans really are. If, for example, you regularly prefer a social evening to a sports session, perhaps simply being with friends is more important to you? What do you really want?
2. Max-Med-Min: I already wrote about this in the article about being overwhelmed: choose small steps. Small steps are better than no steps! When you decide to change something, it is best to set a Max, Med and Min goal – and make sure that you achieve the Min goal. For example, if you want to change your eating habits, you can resolve to cook healthy food 5x/week (max), eat a handful of fruit 2x/day (med) or eat an apple (or other fruit you like) every day (min).
3. Agile Goals: Plan in a way that withstands change. Plan concretely, but not too detailed. Running 7 km in 40 minutes every Wednesday at 5.30 pm might be a bit too detailed. What if it rains cats and dogs on Wednesday? What if you are not feeling well? What if you have to work overtime? What if you have a cool invitation on Wednesday? It would be better, for example, if you want to run regularly, to set yourself x times a week for a longer and x times for a shorter running session. Then make sure that you do the number of times per week – even if it’s only 10-15 quick minutes (see point 2) – but run!

Don’t wait for tomorrow – get your beer today!

Let’s go!

Your Birgit

Imagine you decided to become fitter and more flexible and you attend one of your first yoga or group fitness classes. You try hard, but everyone around you seems to be better at everything. Leaning over, the reach the ground, they can lift more with the weights and they don’t miss steps in the choreography or the beat of the music.
How do you feel?
Would you return to this class the next week?

What motivates or even spurs one person on can totally block and frustrate another.
Nature has given us a certain striving for superiority (in the past, our lives depended on it) and in our society we have been socialised to compete (top managers earn more, top students get scholarships, top stars get more title pages and better conditions …).

But striving for superiority and the external comparison that comes with it has several disadvantages:

1. We never finish! There is always someone who has more or who is better – and who defines who or what is a good performance anyway?
2. Our satisfaction and performance is dependent on others
3. It limits our social competence – because if we feel better when someone is worse than we are, this does not exactly increase our empathy and we also run the risk of letting the other person feel our superiority (e.g. by giving advice without being asked for). But also, if the superiority of our counterpart makes us feel bad about ourselves and we tend to be envious rather than happy for the other person, this will certainly tend to minimise our circle of friends in the long run.

Comparison with others is particularly blocking if we derive our self-worth from how we perform. If we have learned and experienced in the past that we get a lot of attention and care when we do better than everyone else, this can easily happen.

So if you compare yourself with others to achieve your goal or inner change and perceive the following …

• You idealize the others and make yourself smaller than you are.
• You notice that envy or negative thoughts about the other person arise in you (you look for the snag, the hair in the soup …)
• You suddenly want too much too fast and are impatient with yourself (it must be possible!)
• The fact that the other person has achieved what is not (yet) accessible to you makes you more reverently shy than curious about how he/she has achieved it.

… then the competition is most likely not for you and rather blocks you in your progress, because your thoughts are not occupied with how you can become better, but why you are so much worse than others (focus on negative view = roadblock).

The flow state works better (you can also try it out if you are a competitive animal ;)).

When we enter the flow state while fulfilling a requirement, we become fully absorbed in the task and

• don’t take ourselves too seriously, but focus completely on the task and how we can do it well (and not on the comparison)
• achieve higher productivity, more performance and more effectiveness through this very focus.
• we forget about time. We dive in and when we emerge hours have passed that felt like minutes.
• experience satisfaction and joy because we feel successful self-efficacy and see it in the results.
• are motivated to continue.

But how can we achieve the flow state that gets our inner elephant moving so enthusiastically and facilitates goal achievement?

• Challenge yourself – instead of comparing yourself to others. You are the standard. No one else is in your body, your thoughts, your life. Beat yesterday!
• Find the perfect balance of demand and your abilities. The optimal level of challenge that enables flow is neither too high nor too low. So if you want to improve, choose a challenge that is a little bit above your skill level.
• Keep at it. When you start the task/exercise/habit, keep at it, don’t stop it when the first resistance appears or you don’t get it right away. Give flow time to emerge.

Flow makes you happy.
Flow motivates.
Flow enables peak performance.
Flow makes your inner elephant dance!

So – go with the flow!

Your Birgit

The last post was about the fact that we may not get our inner elephant moving because the goal we are aiming for is too “boring”, i.e. rather an underchallenge.
Underchallenge means that the thrill is missing, the goal does not stimulate, does not release energy and does not allow for a sense of achievement.

However, the exact opposite, being overwhelmed, can lead to the fact that you suddenly lack the motivation to tackle it. If a goal is too much for us, we start to doubt whether we can achieve it and our confidence and self-confidence in our abilities dwindle.

But how can it happen that we feel overwhelmed by a goal when we can set it ourselves?
There can be several reasons for this:

1. Too big: We have bold goals in mind – e.g., achieving an additional qualification or degree, losing a major amount of weight, or overcoming a fear.
2. Too complex (too much at once): We write a long list of things needed to achieve the goal. And suddenly we feel like we shouldn’t be working on just the one thing we want to change, but need to tackle 10 things at once to do it.
3. Too fast (no patience): We want too much in too short a time. This happens especially when we compare ourselves with others in terms of what is doable instead of analyzing what is a realistic pace for us (based on our lifestyle habits, our body/metabolism, our possibilities).

So what can we do to not overwhelm our inner elephant with our goal setting?

1. Small steps: Especially if you have something big in mind, it’s important to break your goal down into small sub-steps. For example, set a smaller weekly goal – how much time do you want to invest in learning per week? How many kilos do you want to lose per week? etc.
2. Simple steps: Just as important as small steps is that the steps to achieve the goal are simple. If several different aspects are necessary to achieve your desired change, break them down as well. Take A in week 1, add B in week 2 and aspect C in week 3. For example, if you have a weight or nutrition goal, you can resolve to avoid alcohol in week 1, increase your fruit and vegetable portions in week 2, watch your sugar intake from week 3 onwards, etc.
3. Your pace: Before setting your goal, check by when you would like to have reached it, what is realistic in your case. For example, if you are aiming for a degree or certification which asks for 10 hours of study a week, make 1-2 “trial weeks”. Plan concrete time slots in these weeks that add up to a total of 10 hours. Look back afterwards: Did it work out? Did you find it easy? If it didn’t work out – what would you have to let go off in order to reach the 10 hours? And are you willing to do it? Or is there another solution? E.g. to extend the total period of the training? You can also observe for 1-2 weeks how much weight you are realistically able to lose.

Regarding the aspect of being overwhelmed, there is even an appropriate saying with an elephant:

“How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.”

(But don’t tell him – otherwise he will get scared ;-))

Whatever you decide to do – chose your own way, do it your way, at your pace and step by step.

Good luck & appetite for the goal!

Birgit