Looking back with a WOW

Photo: Pixabay

“When I look back now, I wonder how I managed to master this situation,” said a dear friend of mine the other day as we talked about changes in life.

Does this sound familiar to you?
Sometimes life delivers a task or situation that seems to be too big for us to cope with. Thoughts like “How shall I ever master this situation?” or “And now?” arise.
And then, some time later, we look back and think – “My goodness, if someone had told me I could do this, I would have said he is crazy!”

It’s amazing what we are able to do, how we know how to mobilize our inner strength when we have to, when we seem to have no choice.
Suddenly we have a razor-sharp focus, a purpose. We hold on, secondary issues are consequently sent to the second row. Our determination grows, all energy is collected and directed to master the task at hand – no matter what its nature (and I’m talking about life-changing circumstances, situations that put a stop to your everyday routine).

Why I am writing this?
Because I think that in situations that seem too big or hopeless, we should remind ourselves from time to time what we already have mastered in the past.
And we should allow ourselves the thought that we have not reached our limit yet. There is this reserve that our sophisticated system of body and mind keeps for emergencies – and only releases it in such cases.

So when you are at a point in your life that seems to overwhelm you…

  • Accept the situation. It is as it is – do not lose valuable energy in anger about it!
  • Admit that you feel overwhelmed. This is fine. Say it: “I feel overwhelmed right now.” As soon as you acknowledge your feelings (only perceive them, do not judge or even draw conclusions) pressure goes down.
  • Look back and remember what you have already mastered in the past and draw confidence from it.
  • Then look ahead: assuming you have done everything with flying colours – what does your desired result look like? What do you see, feel, do ? Have a vision in mind that is clear enough to set the focus – but not so detailed that you lose flexibility for other or better ways to reach your goal. It’s a bit like looking for an apartment – if you know what you want, your eye will be sharpened for the right ads – and you can safely ignore all others.
  • Give yourself time and allow your mind to take breaks so that it can process. It will sort out the impressions and feed your intuition with them. The subconsciousness continues its work – even when you sleep.
  • Be diligent and hold on – but also trust that ways or solutions will perhaps show up unexpectedly. Practice calm and confident attention.

And finally a saying that has already helped me in difficult situations:
“The universe only sends you tasks it thinks you can handle.”
So be proud – the universe thinks you can do a lot – so think alike! 😉

This is not your limit!
You can do it.

Yours,
Birgit

Your inner medicine

Photo: Pixabay

Have you ever ordered medicine from your inner pharmacist to make you feel better?
Wouldn’t that be wonderful – just being happy on order?
It’s possible – and without any illegal substances. Our body has a lot on board to make us happy.
I am sure you have heard of so-called happiness hormones. Hormones are chemical signaling molecules that are released directly into the blood and are thus transported to their place of action. They contain a “message” and this way control functions of our organs. Just like Insulin regulates the reduction of blood sugar after eating.
When we talk about joy, well-being and feelings of happiness, Dopamine and Serotonin are the most common hormones. There are, however, more substances that ensure our well-being:

1. Endorphinshappiness of enthusiasm: When we experience something positive, especially if it is an unexpected experience, endorphins are released. Endorphins are also known as endogenous morphines, because they relieve pain in the body. They also have a calming effect, promote the release of sex hormones and a good night’s sleep and prevent stress.

2. Dopamine – happiness of motivation: Dopamine is the “motivation hormone”. When we have had success or beautiful experiences (e.g. during flow) our brain stores this information and wants more of it. Dopamine is responsible for this wanting, our motivation and our interest. It not only triggers feelings of happiness, but also lust and desire.

3. Oxytocin – happiness of safety: The bonding hormone oxytocin increases trust, our feeling of security and the bond to our partner or child. It is triggered by physical attention, such as touching the skin, petting or a massage.

4. Serotonin – happiness of well-being: Similar to Dopamine, Serotonin is released in moments of happiness – but also in positiv stress. It has many functions and has amongst others a positive effect on our mood and brain capacity. Serotonin is the anti-depressant among hormones. It makes us happy, relaxed, balanced and satisfied.

And here’s what you can do to place your “order with your inner pharmacist” – in other words, boosting the release of the four hormones:

1. Dopamine – goal setting and planning: Find out what makes you happy and plan regular activities. Set yourself goals that you are eager to achieve.

2. Endorphins – pleasure and surprise: Learn to enjoy and indulge – allow yourself to do so! Surprise yourself from time to time and break through the routines to create new, positive experiences.

3. Serotonin – positive stress: Be active in a sport you are familiar with and which does not stress you out. Or go for a walk for 30-60 minutes a day.

4. Oxytocin – together you are less alone: Don’t go all alone. Meet up with friends and enjoy hours of togetherness and physical closeness. (By the way, Oxytocin is also released when you pet your pets :-))

Have fun planning, enjoying and feeling good.
You have everything you need on board!

Yours, Birgit

Goal setting with a open mindset towards results?

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You may think that this heading is a contradiction. How can we set goals and at the same time not expect a fixed result?
The golden key here is less the result itself but our expectations connected with it.

“Life is what happens while you’re making plans.”

Honestly – how often do things work out the way we planned?
Sometimes it’s even like this: the more we and the more detailed our goals and results are formulated, the less it works out.
On the one hand, this may be due to the fact that the more detailed our expectations are, the less the likeliness that they are all met – but on the other hand it may also be due to the fact that with every detail we try to increase our control on what will happen and get mentallystuck.
We fall into one of the three behaviours and emotions which are, according to Buddhism, the source of most human suffering:
1. Wanting to prevent something (unpleasant) = fear
2. Being unable to let go of something (pleasant) = regret
3. Not accepting something (unpleasant) = rejection

Now, as a consequence, should we stop making plans and setting goals – because they to not work out anyway in most of the cases?
No! Because our goals and plans give our life a direction, we steer it towards what is important to us and how we want to live.
If we don’t do this, we run the risk that “life happens to us” or others make decisions for us – and we end up finding ourselves in situations that we never wanted.
In addition, goal setting is important to have a sense of achievement and mastery – which in turn strengthens our self-efficacy and self-esteem.
So, continue setting goals and planning projects.
BUT – remain relaxed and open, if things don’t turn out the way you planned.
The more relaxed we are in dealing with the unpredictability of life, the more flexible we are navigating through it, the faster we can get up again and look ahead when we have stumbled.
And more ease increases the probability of reaching the goal!
Thus, an open mindset towards results means, setting goals, striving towards the results – but accepting whatever you may end up with.

That could look like this:

Just to clarify: this is not about putting lipstick on a pig! If something is unpleasant, it is unpleasant. Full stop.
It’s about acceptance – which starts with admitting that it is unpleasant and that we feel uncomfortable. No more, no less.
This already creates some sort of relief, clears the mind and we can direct our energy towards the future.
So – plan, stay open-minded and then be happy and celebrate – or accept and learn.

What are your plans this week?

Be good to yourself!

Yours, Birgit

3 Ways Excercise Helps You In Coping With Stress

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Today, I am very proud to present an article by Haley Perlus, Ph.D. Sport & Exercise Psychology and Certified Fitness Professional. I had the opportunity to meet Haley last year in person and can confirm, the walks the talk.
As some of might be furloughed or having less work than usual at the moment (while other don’t know where to start), talking about stress might sound weird. But let me tell you, that stress is less a result of being overloaded – but more of being overwhelmed – which might be the case for some of us for different reasons. So don’t stop moving – mentally and physially – as it can help you in coping with your stress – not matter of which nature it might be.
Have fun reading, and thanks to Dr. Haley Perlus!

Author: Haley Perlus
We’ve all experienced those days when stress rears its ugly head. One stressful event can set the tone for the entire day, perhaps the rest of the week. The harder you try to ignore it and keep powering through, the worse the negative thoughts, feelings, and fatigue get, wreaking havoc on your nutrition and overall health. The good news is that physical activity can immediately shake off the blues, freeing up mental space and energy to tackle your to-dos and even have some fun while you’re at it.
Here are three reasons why exercise should be one of the primary tools in your stress toolbox:

  1. EXERCISE ENHANCES YOUR COPING SELF-EFFICACY
    Stress is what we feel when we believe we’re not in control or that we can’t cope with a certain situation. Exercise helps because it gives us a quick boost of confidence to successfully meet the challenges at hand. It provides the perfect opportunity to immediately master something meaningful–be it a 30 minute walk outside with a friend, discovering handstand in yoga, performing a quick set of pull ups, etc. In turn, these feelings of mastery help us to feel in control of the rest of our day.
  2. EXERCISE GIVES YOU A HEALTHY “HIGH”
    When we do something that feels good, our bodies release chemicals such as dopamine, norepinephrine, epinephrine, endorphins, and serotonin. Together, these chemicals produce a “high” that carries emotional energy as if to say “more please, because that was soooo good!” In the past, you may have experienced these highs in an unhealthy way by making late night visits to the pantry for your favorite carbohydrate binge that always leaves you low on energy and even more stressed from overeating. Just as dopamine is released while eating a bowl (or carton) of ice cream, it’s also released during a fabulous indoor cycle or yoga class–this time producing a healthy high with the added satisfaction from getting your fitness in that day.
  3. THE STRESS BENEFITS FROM EXERCISE LAST
    Sometimes when we feel stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed, all we want to do is plant ourselves on the couch and take a nice quiet break for an hour. Although an hour rest will reduce anxiety; to stay positive and energized for the rest of the day, using that time to exercise is the better choice. Whereas 40 minutes of quiet rest will improve your mood for up to one half hour, 40 minutes of exercise will improve your mood and create more energy for up to 24 hours.2 This is not to say that you must exercise for at least 40 minutes. Just know that time spent exercising, compared to the same amount of time devoted to rest, will give you longer lasting benefits.

Researchers continue to investigate the best types of exercise for coping with stress. Be assured that anaerobic, aerobic, short, and longer bouts of exercise will all help you reduce muscle tension, positively change your mood, and enhance your feeling of self-control. What’s more important than the type of exercise is that you choose the exercises you enjoy.
Other than that, it’s all good!

About the author

Dieses Bild hat ein leeres Alt-Attribut. Der Dateiname ist Perlus-DMP_1458_7x7_300-1-1024x1024.jpg

Since she was 12 years old, Dr. Haley Perlus aspired toward a career in Sport Psychology. Within one year of earning her Ph.D., at the age of 28, Dr. Haley became a professor, public speaker, consultant to national team and division I scholarship athletes, published author, and was appointed an industry leader. An entrepreneur, former elite Alpine ski racer, fitness pro and coach, she understands the difficulty of overcoming mental blocks so that you can quickly and consistently get results. Dr. Perlus educates, motivates and inspires people to reach their peak potential in sport, wellness, and business. Taking a unique 3-D approach to performance enhancement, she not only encourages you to dream big, she gives you the steps and answers you need to make those dreams come true.
https://drhaleyperlus.com/


Trust? – You go first!

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“Trust is good, control is better,” – these are the words of the Russian politician Lenin.
But can we trust these words?
How would you feel if you always had to control everything – to be able to trust?
Is it trust then at all?

Trust has many aspects:
Trust in oneself, trust in life in general and trust in others. The latter can be further divided into trust in people we know or with whom we have a relationship and the basic trust in the “good in people” in situations with people we do not know.

It has been proven that trust is an important factor for our own wellbeing and happiness.
If you are not able to trust, you cannot relax.
If you cannot relax, you cannot be happy.

Of course our trust level is also influenced by previous experiences. Researchers have found out that it takes 5 positive experiences to balance one negative experience. For this to work, however, despite being cheated, we have to involve ourselves again in situations that give others the opportunity to prove their trustworthiness.
So we need to take a risk to proof the trust,
Basically, trust is a mindset you chosoe – despite the experience of having been cheated.
However, since we are hardwired to be suspicious, we run the risk of feeling confirmed in our distrust after being cheated – not taking a chance again and thus depriving ourselves of further positive experiences.
Yes, to re-generate a trusting mindset after bein cheated it hard work.

However, the following scientific findings are encouraging:

  • It is much more likely that you will not be ripped off if you trust in first place. We humans act very dependent on context. In a more distrustful environment we will also show scepticism. However, if we are presenting ourselves as being trustworthy in others, the likelihood that our counterpart will return the trust increases. One reason for this might be that the binding hormone oxytocin is released when we share trust. Trust creates trustworthiness.
  • Most people are more suspicious than they need to be.
  • Most people are more trustworthy than we think they are.

The following two experiments prove these points:

The “Wallet Drop Experiment” of the Toronto Star in Canada.
For this experiment, 20 wallets with $200 and the address of the owner were deliberately left behind at various locations in the city of Toronto within 14 days.
Before you read on – how many wallets do you estimate were returned to the owner?
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Most people answered the same question with an average of 2.3 – that is a 10% return rate. In fact, 16 of the 20 wallets were returned to their owners – which is a return rate of 80%.

And here’s the second, more scientific experiment, which comes from a series of “Trust Game Studies”.
Imagine the following scenario:
You participate in a study with another person. You are in different rooms and never get to know each other personally. You and the other person each receive 10 EUR. You now have to decide whether you want to give your money to your partner. If not, the game ends and you both go home with 10 EUR. If you give the money to your partner, the gamemaster will put four times the amount on top and your partner will get 50 EUR. Your partner then has the chance to go home with these 50 EUR – or to share it with you.
The former would mean that you would go home without any money (loss 10 EUR), the latter that you would go home with 25 EUR instead of 10 EUR.
How would you decide?
Would you take the 10 EUR or take the risk and give the money to your partner?
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How likely do you think it is that your partner will walk away with the 50 EUR when you send him the money?
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The study has shown that the probability your partner will walk away with the money is only 5%! In fact, 95% of the participants shared the 50 EUR with their partner!
People who are trusted react with trustworthy behaviour.

So how can we succeed in trusting more pro-actively in order to create and have positive experiences – and at the same time minimize the probability of being cheated?

The solution is to find the balance, the sweet spot between too little trust (depriving us from real engagement in relationships and positive experiences) and not enough trust (increasing the likelihood of being cheated.

This balance is called intelligent trust.
Intelligent trust means

  1. Approaching people and situations from the heart with a fundamentally trusting attitude, while taking into account and analysing relevant information and facts- meaning balancing the heart with the head.
  2. Remembering that people are usually more trustworthy than you think!
  3. Take a chance: consciously perceive and create situations in which you pro-actively give trust and enable people to act with trust. This way you contribute to creating a trusting environment that it makes positive experience more likely – which in turn strengthens your trust.
  4. Make it easy for people to act trustworthy towards you – go first, be nice, empathetic, authentic and good.
  5. Take away your natural tendency to distrust by exposing yourself less to negative headlines and instead try to balance out your mental input: At the end of the day, write down your positive experiences and situations in which people acted trustworthily. Consciously search for positive headlines! (e.g. at goodnews.eu).
  6. Remember yourself of the benefits of pro-active trust: positive experiences, real connection and a good investment in a better society!
  7. What if it did go wrong? Practice forgiveness and a change of perspective. Sometimes we whine on a high level. Probably you are still doing pretty well compared to other people despite the bad experience. Furthermore: hold the person who has broken your trust accountable, i.e. try to understand and learn from the situation and act upon your consequences – but without “thoughts of revenge”.

Trust will play an even more important role in the future – not only in interpersonal encounters but also in general developments.
The more complex a situation is, the more intelligent trust is needed to remain happy and efficient.
And we are definitely not lacking in complexity.

But you can do it, I trust you! 🙂

Be good to yourself,
Your Birgit

Sources:
Steven M.R. Covey, “Smart Trust: Creating Prosperity, Energy, and Joy in a Low-Trust World”
Dr. Raj Raghunathan, “If you are so smart why aren’t you happy?”

Victim or Creator?

Photo: Pixabay

How will this end?
How will this impact economy?
How many will die?
Is there more to it than that?
Government should have …
You can’t trust anyone anymore!
This is a disaster!
I don’t even want to know what we don’t know!

Do these sentences sound familiar to you?
I have the feeling that I have have heard them in the past days and weeks particularly often. Perhaps you said similar things or thoughts like this ran through your head.
What are they doing to you?
How do you feel when you say them out loud or hear them?
What state do they put you in?
Do they strengthen or weaken you?

Sentences like this are usually a result of a “victim mindset” – we see ourselves at the mercy of others, powerless, helpless. With what is currently happening in the world, this perspective may be closer to your mind than usual.
But even in the current situation, besides the aspects we cannot influence, there are at least as many that we can influence.

The question is: were do you direct your energy and focus to?
Who has control over your wellbeing, your attitude, your mindset?
You yourself or external circumstances?
Do you let yourself be drawn into the vicious circle of “isn’t it awful”?
Or do you look at what you can do
– or as Theodore Roosevelt put it:

Do what you can – with what you have – where you are.

The American management consultant Steven Covey already mentioned the importance of focusing on the things we can influence in his bestseller “7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, published in 2004. In this book, he speaks of a pro-active mindset as opposed to a reactive mindset. People with a pro-active mindset focus on things they can control, people with a reactive mindset focus on things they cannot control.

People with a reactive mindset:

  • have a problem focus
  • waste their time in discussions and anger about circumstances over which they have no control
  • lose their energy in activities outside their circle of influence
  • focus on the weaknesses of others
  • search for people to blame
  • neglect the areas and activities over which they have influence
  • therefore increasingly feel themselves to be victims
  • are therefore filled with negative energy
  • thereby weaken themselves and
  • thus narrow their cicle of influence more and more

In the end they create a mental and emotional vicious circle. In the worst case, the last thing they cling to is the search for confirmation that they are right.

People with a proactive mindset, on the other hand:

  • are solution-oriented
  • see opportunities and possibilities
  • invest their time in brainstorming and change/adaptation
  • focus their energy on activities that are within their circle of influence and make a difference
  • increase their self-efficacy
  • are therefore filled with positive energy and motivation
  • thus strengthen themselves and
  • extend their circle of influence and possiblities to act

This also creates a circle- but a “motivation circle”.

Yes, there will always be things that we cannot influence – and at the moment there seem to be a lot more of them. But the principle remains the same. In order to be able to act effectively and remain in a healthy mental and emotional balance, we need:

  • acceptance of the fact that there are things beyond our control
  • a clear, rational view and focus on what is in our control
  • the motivation to do what is in our power

If we work on ourselves and take and maintain a pro-active mindset rather than worrying about the circumstances, we are much more likely to come up with ideas that will ultimately change the circumstances.

Here is a small example from my own life.

In 2011 I read a book about animal farming and meat consumption. What I read was very upsetting and yes, I was outraged and horrified how all this can be. So my first reaction was an absolutely reactive one – coupled with the thought “I am not able to change this, I am only one single person”. I felt helpless and guilty.

If I would have remained in this mindset, I would have…

  • told everyone – whether they wanted to or not – how bad it all is
  • condemned anyone who eats meat
  • started to teach and try to convert everyone who eats meat
  • certainly caused a hostile attitude among the people I would have tried to influence
  • experienced little openness for my views
  • therefore considered people to be ignorant and bad
  • negatively influenced the image of people who eat vegetarian food

Luckily, instead, I simply made a decision for myself and started to follow a strictly meatless diet and

  • discovered new foods
  • learned a lot about nutrition
  • brought such tasty vegetarian alternatives to the barbecues that even those eating meat wanted to try them
  • often got envious looks at my vegetarian alternative in the restaurant and
  • this way motivated others to “try it out” too
  • informed anyone who asked me about the reasons for my decision
  • checked out possibilities to actively support respective organizations

So, whatever is important to you – focus on what you can influence, act upon it and deliver this way positive energy to yourself and others! This is what we cannot have enough of in this world!

Stay positive and pro-active!

Your Birgit

Pets for Happiness

Photo: Birgit Baldauf

In the light of the current situation I would like to remind all pet owners: Congratulations! You live next to happiness 🙂 Your pets are the best compensation for the currently missing personal social contacts.
I guess this is no new news for you – however, living with pets, that’s scientifically proven, is good for your health. And this is for several reasons:

  1. Petting your pet lowers your blood pressure. Petting animals releases the so-called bonding hormone oxytocin – not only in humans, but also in our pets (at least in dogs). Oxytocin causes a reduction in blood pressure and cortisol (stress hormone) levels and delivers a feeling of relaxation and confidence. By the way, it also supports the fat metabolism – so it helps loosing weight (unless you eat sweets at the same time ;-))
  2. Pets strengthen the immune system. If you have a dog, e.g., you need to walk it – no matter what weather. Yes, that’s not always nice – but it strengthens our body’s defences – as does the fact that every walk in daylight boosts vitamin D production. Vitamin D protects our nerves, strengthens our bones and has a positive effect on our mood. Pets can also relieve allergies. This sounds like a contradiction at first because you might rather think of animal hair allergies. However, it has been proven that children who have grown up with pets develop fewer allergies than children from pet-free households.
  3. Animals live in the here and now and do not evaluate or interpret. Animals act, experience, learn, act, experience, learn. They always act upon the situation. Although they do remember past experiences, they do not know anything like regretting, pondering or worrying. They live the moment and act in the moment. They can interrupt our numerous houghts and if we are open to it, we can discover the world through their eyes – in the present moment – which is both enriching and relieving.
  4. Animals can strengthen our self-confidence. Animals are very adaptable and fit into the social pack with humans. They are dependent on us – which gives us the responsible – and meaningful – task of taking good care of them. Our actions are important and we feel important and are more self-confident. Moreover, the routines and reliability that our pets need give us a feeling of stability and order.

So my friends – enjoy the company of your pets!

And for those who don’t have a pet – maybe there is someone in the neighbourhood who needs help walking their dog?

Take care of yourself!

Best regards,

Birgit

You know, what to do.

Photo: Pixabay

It took me a while to find an appropriate topic for this week’s article – given the current worldwide situation. Looking at the media landscape and news on all channels, the topic of fear immediately came to my mind.

It is absolutely natural to have fears – fear itself is nothing bad, like any emotion, fear is an important indicator. Whether it contributes or blocks you is highly dependent on how you deal with it. Do you accept it and take it as a hint to take a closer look or does conquer and paralyse you?

When I asked myself the question what it is that actually frightens us deep inside, the following aspects came to my mind:

  1. Uncertainty: We receive the most diverse – sometimes even contradictory – information from numerous sources – from medical facts to emotional posts to images that touch us but are not very meaningful when viewed rationally. Who should I believe? Which source is reliable? What is the next step? And how should I act?
  2. Volatility: We have experienced it – the situation can change overnight. What was true yesterday will be different tomorrow. How should I plan? What should I expect? On what basis should I decide?
  3. Complexity: there are numerous factors that play a role and influence the course of events and decisions at all levels: medical, political, economic, personal … and I have little knowledge of most of them – and even less influence on most of them.

All of these aspects affect two of our most basic needs:

  1. Security: the need for physical and emotional integrity, paired with the desire for dependability and predictability.
  2. Dominance: the need for self-efficacy, for shaping situations, control over what happens and successful action.

And then it struck me that I have already encountered these phenomena in another context – namely in business life.

For some time now, we have been talking about the VUCA world in the workplace. A world characterized by volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity.
Situations change from one day to the next (volatility), how they change and what will come is often uncertain (uncertainty) – also because numerous factors have an influence which either only become known afterwards or whose influence cannot be assessed (complexity) – which in turn leads to the fact that learning from past experiences is only possible to a limited extent, as these can be interpreted differently (ambiguity).

Thereupon I asked myself the question whether the qualities, competences and behaviours we need every day to navigate well in our “new working world” can perhaps help us in the current situation.
And I think: YES!
That in turn made me happy. Because it means we already have practice! Now it is a matter of keeping level-headedness and cultivating the following attitudes:

  1. Accepting what is and being open for change: Let’s face it – it is what it is. Complaining about how bad everything is, mourning that everything was better in the past and being afraid of what will be, cosumes valuable energy that we could use better elsewhere. Accepting what is makes it easier for us to cope with volatility.
  2. Curiosity and the ability to learn and develop: “Fear will guide you the way.” To perceive and accept situations and emotions is the first step. Only after acknowledging what is you can start to change it. The second step is to do a reality check, i.e. to look at the situation objectively. What exactly frightens me? What’s true in all these reports and my assumptions? What is left after deducting all speculations and assumptions? What do the facts say? Curiosity and the ability to develop helps us to deal with uncertainty.
  3. Focus: What is my goal? What is at stake? What do I really need to know? What is relevant for my everyday life? Where do I get this information from? If we just let all the information and messages that surround us come pouring down on us every day, it’s like leaving the door to our apartment open all day and anyone who wants can come in and help themselves. Setting focus helps us to better master complexity.
  4. Self-responsibility: Get into action and make a plan. What can you influence? What can you do to create your situation? Forging a plan and acting on it helps in dealing with volatility.
  5. Support each other: Evolution is cooperation. Just as in the agile world of work, also in other areas of our life the best solutions are usually generated when working together. So we should ask ourselves: What influence does my action have on others? How can I cooperate in a way that it is for the benefit of all?

May we succeed in training these qualities daily to be the lighthouse in the midst of the storm for us and others!

Sincerely,
Birgit

6 Happiness Hurting Habits

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A podcast I listened to today led my to an article by Business Harvard Review with the title: “6 Habits That Hurt Your Career.” The negative effects of these habits on career advancement are scientifically proven i- and can be found in numerous companies and teams.

While reading the article I realized that these habits are not only professionally but in general ideal to pave your way to unhappiness.

Sometimes we have developed these habits because they might have been useful in single situations in the past. However we tend to lose sight of their long-term effect on our relationships and thus also on our own well-being.

So, open your eyes and hard stop if you catch yourself doing the following:

  1. Conflict Avoidance: What sounds like avoiding difficult conversations starts earlier – namely whenever we avoid a situation or switch to fight mode in order to distract from our own insecurities, fears or mistakes. Becoming aware of one’s own reaction patterns in such situations is the first step towards breaking them. Pause, take time to calm down and approach the conversation again – consciously, pro-actively, rationally and prepared.
  2. Impulsiveness: Impulsiveness ranges from sudden, emotional outbursts of anger or frustration to “running over others” with your own ideas and concepts. Here, too, it is important to become aware of the triggering moment and to ask yourself: “What feeling do I want to leave in the people I meet?” or “What could others think of my idea? What impact will it have?”
  3. Blame-shifting: Also known as “I didn’t do it” or “This is not my fault” or “If XYZ didn’t …, then …” If you have this reflex, ask yourself honestly how important it is for you to be right and what your attitude is towards mistakes (my article “Embracing mistakes” may also help here). Try to change your focus. What is it really about? How can you change from the search for a guilty person to the search for the solution?
  4. Insisting on control: Do you prefer to do things yourself before you have to trust others to do them for you? Do you focus on the desired result or do you believe that the only way to achieve this result is by following your own path? Start on a small scale by letting go and accepting. Become clear about what you want and open yourself to different suggestions. Letting go not only enriches your life but also enables the people around you to flourish. Because as the saying goes: “If you builld fences around people don’t be surprised if you get sheep.” (Förster und Kreuz)
  5. Perfectionism: My favourite subject. Often, when I hear someone say “I am a perfectionist” when asked about their weaknesses, it sounds more like pride than a burden.  But real perfectionism has nothing to do with “delivering 100%” – because real perfectionists often don’t get to deliver at all, because they are unable to feel 100% accomplishment. How about “80% is enough” for a week?
  6. Power hunger: Only yesterday I talked to a friend about the dynamics that sometimes get unleashed when teams get a new boss. Formerly supportive colleagues suddenly switch to competition mode and it seems to be all about “who can best present themselves in order to establish their position in the favour of the new one”. In the worst case, at the expense of everyone else. Seriously: with a really good manager such behaviour will leave exactly the opposite impression. But also in your private relationships – if you want to keep them up – the following applies: empathy before egocentricity and compromise before the compulsion to control.

These habits can also be summarized under the topic “Emotional Intelligence”. Here is the good news: unlike IQ, EQ can be trained for a lifetime!

For enriching relationships and a happy life.

May we succeed!

Yours, Birgit 

Routine – Friend or Enemy?

Photo: Pixabay

Routine
NOUN
1. the skill which a person has acquired through long practice
2. something that has become a habit through continuous application
3. something that is executed without spirit and no longer has much meaning

Is it good or bad, the routine?
Depending on context, routine is perceived as negative or helpful.

If we have developed a routine for a certain procedure, we no longer have to put energy into decision-making processes. Everything goes by itself. (e.g. the sequence from the ringing of the alarm clock to leaving the house in the morning, driving a car, brushing your teeth …).
If we succeed in integrating good habits into our lives through routines – e.g. doing sports twice a week or meditating for 10 minutes every morning – we can even improve our health and quality of life.

Developing routines means optimising processes, making them more effective and predictable. Routines help us to put our lives in order and also give us a certain amount of security (which is why we find it so difficult to let go when change is imminent).
But too much rountine can also make us unhappy. Even when we have succeeded
in integrating into our lives, through discipline and routine, everything that we think makes us happy and feel good, we still feel an emptiness and boredom. We are wondering how comes that we have it all and are still not happy?
But if all routines have to be checked off on our To-Do-List first before we are “free” (= nothing planned), the latter often does not happen.
The habit that once made us happy has become a duty on our list and changed its nature and quality.
Furthermore, living, the excitement of the new, the unpredictable, the challenge is missing.
Our brain is a problem-solving machine – and where there is no problem, there is no happiness through the experience of success. And in order for our problem-solving-machine to keep its functionality, it starts to look for problems – and to get upset, for example, about tiny things that are not really of big importance when we look at them from a distance.

So how can we keep a good balance between healthy routine and stimulating challenge?
The following four steps may help:

  1. Rethink your routines – look at your routines from time to time from a distance. Are they all still appropriate and suitable? Does they still make sense? Or is it time to change something here and there? Just because we have “always done it this way” doesn’t mean it is still appropriate.
  2. Treat yourself to a “F… off day” – Allow yourself a day of going with the flow and only doing what you really want to do.
  3. Consciously break some routines – do something crazy! Walk backwards, dress against your routine or eat something you have never tried before.
  4. Find a new challenge – learn something new or start a hobby, preferably one that takes you out of your comfort zone.

“If you think adventure is dangerous, try routine: it’s deadly.”

Paul Coelho

Surprise yourself and have fun!

Birgit